We are now in our 28th week.
30 weeks is a big milestone for me and it is looming up fast! Once we hit 30 weeks then the countdown is on! The past few weeks have felt really really slow. It has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster lately which has made life interesting. I seem to stress about little things, like my latest drama of not being able to find comfy knickers! Damn hormones. Physically it has also been a rough couple of weeks with dizzy spells and a very painful shoulder. The dizzy spells remain unexplained and the shoulder has been put down to extra fluid in my joint due to pregnancy. I have been going to physio twice a week but it just wasn’t helping so I ended up having a steroid injection right into the joint. I was like a whole new woman after that!. Still seeing a physio once a week to help regain my movement in that shoulder but hopefully only a couple more sessions should do it.
Leonardo is moving around a lot more now. He woke me up during the night for the first time last week, he gave me quite the boot, but I soon went back to sleep. You can definitely feel movements from the outside now and can also see them! He never seems to play the game when Bernice visits, but she did get to see him give the Doppler a good couple of kicks during our last midwife visit which she was pretty excited about.
Recently I worked at our local Women's Expo and wore my t-shirts that advertises this wee baby I’m carrying is a surrogate baby. I got loads of lovely comments and answered lots of questions that people had. I really enjoy educating people about Surrogacy in NZ because most of the time people have the wrong idea and think it’s illegal. There is no question I won't answer. And I even had a couple of people ask how to go about finding a surrogate here in NZ.
For Mother's Day I wanted to do something special for Bernice so I sent her a musical e-card from Leo which I know she loved.
Only 3 weeks till I finish work and I’m looking forward to it. I will miss the baby boy I look after but certainly won’t miss the early morning starts of 7am! Hopefully it will help fix my shoulder too, without all the extra lifting that goes with nannying.
I’m really looking forward to it. I won a baby shower package from Kitset Parties on face book (their website is http://www.kitsetparties.co.nz ) When I explained that I was a surrogate so couldn’t really use the prize they designed a whole new invitation for us. They did a great job in capturing what surrogacy is all about. I have had a few midwife visits now and Bernice has been able to come to most of them.
Maree Candish is wonderful. She's very caring, answers openly any questions we have and is comfortable with our surrogacy situation. Its great knowing we are in such good hands. Bernice and I were talking a little while ago about our girls and how they are reacting to the pregnancy. Tatum (my daughter) is very interested in the mechanics of things, like how Leo gets his food and what the umbilical cord does. She tells me really cute things like I better eat something because Leo is hungry. She has asked why Bernice can’t have Leo in her tummy so I explain that her tummy is broken so he is growing in my tummy instead. Ysabellah (Bernice and Mark’s daughter who is the same age as Tatum) is having a really different experience. Bernice was saying that she talks a lot about her baby ‘brudder Leonaaaarto’ and when he is going to come home and live with them but she has also asked when Leo can move into Bernice’s tummy, so she has had to explain the same thing. It’s really interesting seeing the two girls deal with the pregnancy in different ways. Tatum lives with my ever expanding belly and what comes with that, where as Bellah lives with the emotional stuff and the preparation going on in her home for after he is born.
….and from Bernice…..
While the weeks are passing slowly at the moment, it has been a busy time lately.
We are getting all our ‘I’s’ dotted a ‘T’s’ crossed for the adoption process that will happen once Leonardo arrives. It was lovely to be able to tell our social worker that we have our little miracle on the way. We have kept him in the loop all the way through so that he can be with us throughout the process and not just get hit with a big surprise at the end. Even though Leo is Mark’s biological son, the law is not really set up for surrogacy situations and as such we need to go through the full adoption process to legally be his parents when he is born. This means we have had to renew all our paper work, medical checks, police checks, referees and home visits.
This is the 3rd time that our renewal has come up so it isn’t as daunting now as it once was. It feels good to be getting all of that sorted now so that we can just relax and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy without all the paper work hanging over us. Maybe, one day, surrogacy will have an easier ride rather than having to fit into the adoption law that dates back to 1955!
On a more fun note, Olivia and I have been chatting through practical things that we can set up for her post birth. Since she will be having a caesarean it is going to take time for her to be back to her completely mobile self – so the great ‘meal making mission’ has begun! I am hoping to have her freezer nice and stocked up with meals that just need a re-heat for her, and also for us…. Because I’m pretty sure I won’t be up to much cooking with a newborn to care for and settle into their new home, and a 4 year old to help transition to being a big sister. It was really fun being able to send txt’s saying “tonight at ‘Che Olivia’, chef is making……” The only complaint so far being that I make her hungry telling her what I’m cooking and she can’t have it yet.
That is one of the unique things about surrogacy. It is such a ‘team’ thing. It can take a bit of getting used to, but when it gels, it’s a very powerful experience. You are all working towards the same goal… a beautiful baby and a wonderful experience for everyone. Being able to talk about everything and anything along the way has been invaluable. I am so grateful that we are in a place where we can just talk about ‘stuff’.
Something I have learnt over the years of involvement with surrogacy is that it is really important to not let yourself get lost in the equation. If I was pregnant then I would be experiencing not just the pregnancy but all the love and attention that goes along with that. As an ‘intended mother’ that doesn’t happen, and I know that it can be a struggle adjusting to that. So how we deal with that is to do things in our own way, so that those special mummy moments happen in other ways. I find sharing our journey with friends and family gives me that feeling of having my loved ones involved. They share our excitement and anticipation, and our gratitude to Olivia. Without that love and support I think it would be a very isolating time for us.
Something that Olivia does which helps me with this so much are the little messages and txts she sends me from Leo…. Like my gorgeous e-card for mother’s day from him…. That was just magic! I also love how she tells me what he has been up to today and what they have been out doing together, like enjoying a cheese and onion sandwich (blech). At the risk of being mushy… that all means the world to me and makes me feel involved.
I will never feel little Leonardo kicking in my body, or have him wake me in the middle of the night with a well placed boot, and I am sad about that. There is a grief there that once acknowledged doesn’t seem so big or painful. By acknowledging it and not ignoring it, I am then able to really get joy and anticipation from hearing that he is still doing all of those amazing things and having them described to me is something I really treasure. (Olivia has very kindly offered to txt me in the middle of the night when he wakes her up…. Um… very kind of her to offer to share that with me…. Thank goodness she was joking lol)
There are some of the opinion who say “You’re getting the baby, what are you complaining about!”. I don’t have a short reply to that. Yes, we are getting a baby. Yes we have so incredibly much to be grateful for…. But to come through a surrogacy well, in my opinion, it is very important to acknowledge the things that you don’t get to experience as well. Not in a ‘poor me’ way, just in a ‘yep, that is something that is happening’ way.
Something that I have been talking through with Mark and Olivia has been breastfeeding. With Ysabellah I did induced lactation so I could breastfeed her. It is a very intensive regime but can be very successful with the right support. Before Bells was born I took medication to bring on lactation and pumped 2 hourly day and night for almost 2 months before she arrived. It was exhausting but I was determined to do it because it felt like the only thing I could actually physically do for my daughter.
Sadly after she was born she needed to spend some time in hospital for severe jaundice and the hospital we were at did not understand induced lactation and took her off the breast. All of that work was lost and I felt so inadequate in so many ways.
I won’t bore you all with the full emotional ins and outs, but the end result was that I was quite traumatised by that experience. I thought I had dealt with it, but it kept coming up, and it was only recently that I was able to identify what was going on inside me. While I have fully accepted my inability to carry Leo, I guess not being able to breastfeed him is something I have been struggling with. I am not able to do the induced lactation this time because of medication I am on, so I have had to let that possibility go.
After talking with my Darling Hubby and with Olivia, and having such amazing support from both of them I am seriously thinking about simulated‘breastfeeding’ with a feeding supplement so that even though I can’t nourish our baby from my body, I can still experience that precious experience of having our baby at the breast. The supplementary feeder feeds formula through a tiny tube so that he can suckle and get his nourishment.
Olivia’s midwife is just wonderful. I really feel like part of the whole equation with her and she makes me feel very safe and supported with the emotional stuff and post birth stuff that will be in my hands, while she supports and cares so beautifully for Olivia’s emotional and physical needs during and after the pregnancy. I think it is a rare gift that this Midwife has to grasp the complexities of a surrogacy where you effectively have 2 mothers each with different needs. I’m looking forward to talking with her about the supplementary feeder and the breastfeeding. I still have some emotional hang ups to work through with this, but one step at a time.
So that’s all the big serious stuff…. The fun stuff has been my ‘hunter gatherer’ missions to get clothes etc ready! I can’t wait until it is time to wash it all and see little Leo’s tiny clothes swaying in the breeze on the wash line, and prepare all his baby things to take to Palmerston North with us ready for his birth. I have to say that Olivia has been so so so amazing! Even with all the difficulties she has had with injuries to her shoulder and horrible dizzy spells on top of all the normal pregnancy stuff, she is so gracious and courageous with it all. She also has an amazing way of sharing with me what she is going through without it feeling like it is my fault or anything like that. Olivia… you are such a hunny!
So roll on the surro shower! Going to have to come up with some interesting games I think lol….
Was looking for a like button I could just click lol. But what an amazing journey you are on Bernice, and even though it sounds difficult at times, it sounds like Leo is coming into a wonderful family.
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