My creative headspace juggle

Somedays it is such a juggle.

Family has always been paramount to me. Since being a small child I can recall yearning for my own family to love and nurture. Like most mothers out there, my daily list is almost endless.... and most of the time happily so.

Between toilet training and boyfriend/girlfriend dramas, between my mountain of washing that would give Everest a run for it's money and the dust that seems to be conspiring against me and hiding from me when I have the energy to get rid of it, only to appear again when I'm knackered!.... between vacuuming up the dead flies on the window ledges and picking the remnants of our last playdough session out of the carpet, between putting on a gas mask to enter my teenage son's room looking hopefully for the dirty washing that has not made it to the laundry for the last month only to be thwarted by a rampant half eaten plate of..... well.... something! between attempting to glue together the very-special-absolute-favourite-well-loved toy that is now more glue than toy and discussing safe sex options with my 18 year old, between throwing together dinner and trying to remember just how many times we've eaten sausages this week, between negotiating the use of the telly between all members of the family under 20 and quietly hoping I will still be awake enough to watch Coro st, between searching for that last puddle of cat pee that the beastie from next door left us and futily wishing the dishwashing fairy would come and clear the bench..... somewhere in there I vaguely recall gazing longingly at my studio door.

Creating for me is essential. It isn't a hobby. It isn't a passing interest. It isn't a way of filling in time. It is me. It is easy to want the best of both worlds.... to be the mum I want to be, and be the artist I have to be, however, actually making that happen is another thing altogether.

Some of my work can be done without too much thinking.... just as well because most days my mind is mush! However, often, if I have that window of opportunity to actually get into my studio, I have not had the opportunity to get my headspace there with me. It's a juggle.....

My head can be so jammed full of ideas some times that I can't find that first thread, that first thought that will unravel the tangled mess.... I call it being "Artistically Constipated". However, when the planets align, and the thoughts and space colide.... it's magic.

I should add in here that my teens are actually very forgiving. They don't faint in embarrassment if I happen to leave the house covered in paint or with my mismatched socks on. My darling hubby never complains when I am completely vacant because I have snatched a few moments just to think about my work, or when I have the longest showers in the universe because that's where I do my best thinking! He knows that by the time the shower is turned off, I have a new work planned..... I guess, what I am expressing here, is that sometimes the noise of being an artistic mother can be overwhelming. Somedays I just wish there was a mute button so I could just sit..... and think..... and plan.... and change my mind.... and replan..... and experiment..... and start again..... and ponder..... and go for a walk to think some more..... and then think..... and think..... and just be in a space where the silence connects with all those quiet voices just waiting to be heard so they can tell their visual story.

There are times when I think ahead. I think ahead a few years when the teens are off doing what they are going to do, and they are out taking on the world. All I can do is hope that I have given them enough of a launch pad to enable them to find their passions and live their lives full and well. I think ahead to when my baby girl won't want to be seen with me, and would much rather be dancing in front of the mirror with her besties, singing to what ever the latest teen fad is at the time and dreaming of being noticed in a crowd by a popstar, and I think of how empty my day will be then. I think of how much space and time there will be.... and that doesn't feel as good as one might imagine.

So, I guess, I shall put the jug on, tuck my creative yearnings back into their safe place, placate them by reassuring them that their time will come, and will start another load of washing..... and put the baby on the toilet again before there is another little puddle in the corner.