That feels very significant!
Olivia had proper tickles last night! It was so exciting to hear that. Apparently Snowflake (our pet name for the baby as its last name is Snow) isn't that impressed when she lies on her tummy.
This week is indeed very special. We have been matched for a year, and Snowflake is feeling more and more real each day.
It has also been a significant time for me emotionally.
Since we started our surrogacy journey in 2006 I have kept a journal. These books have been through thick and thin with me. In these pages I have faced lots of painful things, grieved for my lost fertility, grieved for my inability to have a baby that is genetically my husband's and mine, grieved for my destroyed body and the scars that criss-cross it from all the surgeries.
I have faced up to what it is to be an infertile couple and dealt with the guilt of that.
I have delved into some very deep places within and taken the steps to really appreciate what parenting is.... and parenting is not about genetics.... its about the middle of the night wake ups, soothing an upset tummy, pooey nappies and 'mothers medals' down your back when the baby has spilled without you realising. Its about sitting up all night watching them breath when they are sick and celebrating all the firsts and all the lasts as they grow and evolve into amazing human beings, and know with every ounce of your being that your are theirs and they are yours.
These pages carry my excitement and anticipation and surreal feelings of being chosen to be someone's IM (intended mother), that someone saw us as worthy of such an amazing gift.
I shared in these pages the raft of emotions I went through when another woman was carrying my husband’s baby... the sadness and the immense joy and how those two emotions can sit side by side. The heaviness of the guilt I felt at what someone else was going through on my behalf.
The tremendous grief of loss, of miscarriage, of the impact that had on all of us.
The stress and anxiety of walking through the unknown - surrogacy, adoption, birth families - and of coming to terms with the extra emotional noise that surrounds those experiences.
I have worked through how to have sadness and guilt sit on the same seat as immense gratitude as we journeyed with all the very special women that have helped us realise our dream of being parents together.
I have shared my private thoughts, the good, the bad, the ugly .... and the overwhelming amazement at becoming a mummy to such a precious little miracle with our daughter Ysabellah. I have expressed what it is to bond, to shut out the noise and to just find a way to 'be' in that space with my daughter and to grow together in a union of love, of family, of joy and of utter commitment.
The experience of working out how everyone fits together once the baby is born, of walking new paths and finding peace with things that are out of my control.
In that private place I was able to work through how I hoped our future would look and how I struggled with the need to put our hearts on our sleeves again in order for that to happen.
I worked through the process of having to humble ourselves again and ask for such a lot of help from others. And of how the presence of social workers, organisations, and dozens of people were part of our decision to want to have another baby, and how to process the judgements and opinions that came with that.
And these precious pages also hold our lines in the sand. The timelines we finally had to set down for ourselves where we would have to accept that the landscape in which we see our family would not change, and letting that be ok.
My writing of late has been of a very different tone. I found myself writing of the amazement, the joy, the excitement, the acceptance of what ever lay ahead for us. There were no more questions being asked as I wrote, and no more ponderings of the unknown.
Being chosen by Olivia changed our future. Having wee Snowflake on the way has healed and resolved so much for me and I have come to the huge realisation that after 6+ years of writing these particular journals, I have finally worked through the things that I needed to work through and I have arrived at the place I always hoped I would be.
Not just because our dreams have come true.... but because I have faced my demons. The grief, the guilt, and all the other sacks of sadness I was carrying are no longer a burden. They are simply a part of me, and have a place that has no more or less significance than any other aspect of me.
I have kept journals for the children always, from before they were born and will keep them going until they are 21. Nothing is lost or forgotten.
But the significance of this journal is that I no longer need my own processing space. I am there... my personal, emotional goal post.
I made my final entry in my surrogacy journals on the 27th Feb.... our 1st anniversary with Olivia and 16 years after the ache of wanting to have a baby began for me.
Today I am making the first entry in Snowflakes Journal, where I shall tell them all about their first flutters, Olivia's strange eating habits, and how much we love them. No reservations, no guilt, no grief, no issues, just love for my little miracle and gratitude for this special woman making it happen.
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