End of an era....

Since January 2007 TLC has been an enormous part of my life. It came at a time of great transition. A time of great exploration.

Now that I have completed the Diploma with Honours course I find myself reflecting on the journey. In the past 5 years I have experienced personal loss – loved ones have passed away - babies have been born, and all the way through TLC has been part of that winding road.

When I think back to where I started and to where I am now, it begs the question…. What have I learnt?

It is a long list.

I have learnt that in order to see, one must first dare to look. –
I was always in such a hurry to reach my destination, be that on a journey, or on a piece of work. It was always about the result. The finished product. Dream it, make it, sell it.
Such a blind treadmill.

What I thought was creativity was merely production…. I just happened to produce things that other people wanted to buy. After 5+ years of addressing this aspect of my self I discovered that actually, I am not a producer, I am a see-er. Yes, I have spelt that correctly and proudly so.

It takes courage to stop and look… and then to see. To allow something, anything to fill your mind, to take it over for that moment of time, to be open to what may emerge, be that an emotional response, a stimulation, an idea… and then to just sit with that and let that evolve.

Two eyes and one mouth = watch more, talk less. -
Coming from a relatively high profile background in the military environment, I had become programmed to talk. Small talk. Important talk. Charming talk. Clever talk. Deflective talk. Commanding talk. Supportive talk. Advisory talk. Diplomatic talk. Superficial talk. Challenging talk. Cajoling talk…. Talk talk talk.

I was so accustomed to my task of talking, that my mouth got a much greater work out than my eyes. It was time to shut up. Shut up and watch…. Shut up, watch…. And see.

Tangents are not distractions -
Previously a tangent was something severely frowned upon. I was already prone to them. Seen as part of my ‘scatterbrain’ nature and if not carefully controlled and subjugated then my tangents would become disruptive to those around me. I have now learnt that tangents are a portal to a new dimension of exploration. They are not distractions from the task of creativity… they ARE the task of creativity.

Be ! –
How often have I forced myself into situations because I thought it was expected? TLC gave me the first opportunity in my life to just ‘BE’. It was ok that I couldn’t cope with a full class room situation. It was ok that I needed to be in my own safe place to undergo this exploration of the self. It was ok that I couldn’t draw, that I was terrified of judgement, and that I was easily overwhelmed with noise, people and stimulation. I was not an oddity. I was just me, learning to ‘BE’. My mentors and my friends who took this long journey with me were so gentle, supportive and encouraging. Each person who accompanied me on this road, helped me to rediscover a little piece of myself.

Trust the process -
Each of us has in innate creative process that can not always be quantified or even consciously identified. I had to learn to trust the process that happens deep within. The stress, concern or pressure that I felt if a piece wasn’t ‘happening’ was often cataclysmic to my creative process. I would become so focussed on the fact that it ‘just wasn’t happening’ that I would be paralysed for fear of getting it wrong. I think the greatest gift I gave myself on this journey was to just trust my process. I didn’t need to be able to explain it, or quantify it… I just had to learn to trust that it would happen.

I had to learn to trust that once I had sown an idea, to let that idea germinate quietly in the dark, like a precious seed not quite ready for daylight.

Then to let it percolate like a good coffee, bubbling away in the background, teasing me with the occasional waft of rich scent, but knowing it wasn’t quite ready for tasting yet.

Patience and trust. I learnt that the less I did, the more it would come. Sit down, shut up, leave it alone. Don’t fiddle with it! And without fail, when the time was right and when I was ready to listen…. It would emerge, the idea would flow, the seed would reach for daylight, I would sip my coffee…. And the execution of the idea would take care of itself. Trust the process.

Not everything has a conclusion -
I came to TLC already working as an artist with a gallery etc. I shut all of that down and put it all away to cocoon myself and hopefully re-emerge as the person I hoped to be. Sometimes we have to let go of what we have in our hands in order to reach for something better, something more nourishing.

I had trained myself to be a producer…. Everything I started had to be finished. It had to be finished and ready for sale. The process was secondary to the product. It took a long time and a lot of patience to learn that not everything needs to be finished. Sometimes the beauty, the explanation is in the unfinished. To break that programming I had to go through a lot pain and exploration… but I made it. Some stories have no ending….

Less is more –
prior to TLC my work was overblown, obvious, condescending. I wanted to tell the whole story in detail and not leave anything out. I didn’t trust my audience to understand so I would labour the piece to an unsatisfactory state of obviousness. It was the opposite to what I intended, but that is almost unfailingly where it ended up. Trust was a big issue for me. To trust the process, and then to trust the work and the viewer. I had to remind myself that it was my task to evoke response, and to not bully the viewer into my interpretation visually. I still find myself wanting to tell the story, but have learnt that this can be done in other ways to my personal satisfaction, while leaving the door open for exploration from my viewer should they choose to take it.

Most importantly for me, I have learnt:……

I am not an artist. –

perhaps an odd statement to make after so lonh at an art school and having been a working artist. This profound awareness came upon me just recently. My work in painting, jewellery, photography and multi-media is telling a story. It is interconnected in so many ways. Quite apart from the fact that I STILL can’t draw, I am not an artist. I am a commentator who uses my visual voice to tell my story. I am content with this. This is where I can just BE.

Thank you to TLC, to the staff and especially to my personal mentors over the years. Thank you for taking this road with me.
There are a couple of tutors who I would like to personally thank by name. John Cornish… thank you for your gentleness and your guidance as I adjusted to this new life. My experience in your foundation class and our ongoing contact after that gave such reassurance and encouragement. Hanne Eriksen Mapp…. You have become such a dear friend to me. You have always been there for my learning, laughed with me over my mistakes, put up with me and the flexibility required for my advancement, and journeyed through so much personally with me during very painful and tragic times over these past years. I value you deeply. Paula Mason, thank you for helping me to release the death grip I had on my creativity. The encouragement you gave me to let go and loosen up started a wonderful evolutionary process and I am ever so grateful for that.
And Rachel Johnstone. Thank you for being my mentor these past couple of years. Your insight, guidance, and our creative connection was a great support to me in learning to ‘see’, and learning to trust. My time with you really helped to consolidate my experiences. Thank you so much.

So… that pretty much sums up my past 5+ years. In time I am hoping to come back to do the Advanced course…. But for now, I am content. The future will take care of itself.

Blessings to all

Bernice van Gils
TLC student 2007 - 2012